Do you know the four main communication styles?
They are – Aggressive, Passive, Passive-aggressive and Assertive.
Aggressive communication could be classifed as any communication that is not passive or assertive, and can cover more ways of communicating than you might think. The obvious ones that come to mind are being rude, yelling, swearing, critisizing, threatening, being physically aggressive or attacking. But it can also be sarcasm, defensiveness, jokes with an underlying truth, being judgemental, refusing to listen, eye rolling, dismissing and so on. It can also be very much in our body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. For instance, we may think we’re speaking calmly and directly, but our faces are screwed up in anger or our fists are clenched by our sides. We might move closer towards someone in a swift movement, which can be very intimidating to most people.
Most of the time, when we communicate in this way, what we are trying to say gets lost. When we behave aggressively, we usually end up inciting one of two responses – we either scare the other person into submission, to go along with or agree with us, or we invoke an aggressive response from them.
This style is the one that often gets confused with assertive communication but, as you will see below, the two styles are very different.
Passive communication is when we don’t communicate what we need or want to say at all. We stay silent in order to keep others happy, or just to avoid a negative response. You may be struggling with difficult emotions, but you remain quiet about it and never let on that there is something wrong.
When we are passive, we stay quiet, we don’t speak up, and we let the other person walk all over us or get their way. We suppress ourselves and our needs and never let on what we are really thinking. But when we don’t speak up and communicate clearly, we shut others out, creating disconnections and chasms in our relationships.
People who are passive communicators can often be people pleasers. People pleasers are afraid of upsetting or dissapointing others and so they squash their own needs, doing everything in their power to keep the status quo no matter the consequences. It is not unusal for me to see people who have been long-term passive communicators and people pleasers, eventually become worn out, resentful and feel like giving up.
Passive-aggressive communication is when we behave in aggressive ways (rudeness, raised voices, physical aggression, threats etc), but without ever communicating what we are upset about. This is the ‘passive’ part – we keep quiet about how we really feel.
Think of the person who slams the door on their way out, or stomps around the house huffing and puffing, but when asked what is wrong they reply with ‘nothing’ or ‘don’t worry about it’, often with an aggressive or dismissive tone.
Passive-aggression is also seen in sarcasm or mean jokes. It is also complaining about someone, but never telling that person directly that you have a problem. This way of communicating can easily lead to ruptures in our relationships.
One of the main problems with passive-aggressiveness is that it holds an expectation that the other person should know, or at least be able to figure out, what is wrong. We leave them guessing, often to think the worst. When we refuse to tell people why we are upset with them, it can feel like a form of punishment.
Assertive communication is simply about being clear and direct in your communication. It involves having a calm conversation with someone while listening respectfully to each other. It is getting your point across without being aggressive. Assertiveness is directly connected to having healthy boundaries and better relationships.
Being assertive for the first time can feel scary, and you might be concerned about how others will react or how you will be perceived. You are allowed to have needs and opinions and to set boundaries as much as the next person. It is important to learn to do this in a way that feels comfortable for you. You can be assertive while still holding your values (for example, being kind, respectful or authentic). Assertiveness is a way of being, an attitude that you can learn to embody. Although it can feel difficult when you first start, it does get easier with time and practice. But you can try it out in small, simple ways to begin with.
One of the easiest ways to start practicing being assertive is to use the ‘three-part sentence’:
“When you…, I feel…, I prefer…’
When you…(insert the details about the problem)
I feel…(insert the impact it has on you and how it makes you feel)
I prefer…(insert details about your boundaries or what you want to see change).
For example, ‘When you leave the dishes on the counter, I feel really annoyed and I would prefer if you could put them straight in the dishwasher from now on’.
You can mix up the order of these when you choose your words, but it is important to include each of these aspects whenever you can.
There is no guarantee about how the other person is going to respond, but this is a way YOU can work on setting your own boundaries and improving your relationships and self worth.
D isclaimer:
The information in this post is provided for general information purposes only, and does not replace the advice and support of a professional.
This post does NOT suggest people in an abusive relationship should start trying to be more assertive with their abuser.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you can contact 1800 RESPECT for advice and support – Ph: 1800 737 732
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